Morning of the BIG day for the MOH!

I found myself on the morning of Carrie's wedding, reflecting on our friendship and all of the things that we'd been through in the 20 plus years that we've known each other. I thought to myself how crazy it was that life would lead us in so many different directions, but always brought us back to each other. I started to think about the MOH toast and what I should say and what I should leave out, and I started to cry. In all my life, no one besides my own family ever rushed to be at my side, or was so quick to jump to my defense. Carrie was always the kind of person that I aspired to be. Stubborn and forgiving to a fault. Confident and glamorous. Smart and intuitive. Carrie is simply a star, and someone that I seek out when I lose my way. Life hasn't been easy for Carrie or I, and thank God that we are able to lean on each other when we need to! The week before Carrie's wedding, I suffered a complicated migraine, which was first assessed as a stroke. Imagine how scared I was that my life was over, and that my kids and husband would live thier lives without me. Imagine how scared I was that my closest friend in the world, would be married, and I wouldn't be there with her. Yes, the outlook that I had on life changed in a heartbeat; my relationships meant more to me than ever before. Standing up with Carrie, was one of my top ten most important things that I wanted to be alive to do! And I mean that with all my heart. So as Carrie got ready for her wedding, and I placed her veil on her head, I looked her in the eyes and without saying a single word, we vowed to be the very same friends that we were as little girls, as teenagers, as young mom's, as single moms, and now as married women. For my beautiful friend Carrie and her husband Jayson, for their kids Holly, Hannah, Jerico, Josh, Hayden, & Madeline, I love you all so very much! I hope that whatever life throws you as a family, you'll hang on to each other as hard as you can, and know that the tides of change will knock you around, and hanging on to each other will bring you the steadiness that you're searching for!

The Wind down

Once the bachelorette party has come and gone, we're counting down to the wedding. There's not much more for the MOH to do until the day of the wedding now. Even the bride is doing last minute things for the big day, and unless something huge happens between now and then, it's all down hill from here girl! Pat yourself on the back for all the hard work that you've done this far. The bride may not even choose to involve you in the last of the errands that she has to run. Here's a list of major things that you can quiz the bride on to ensure that the wedding day goes smoothly:
The wedding venue has received the payments according to the agreement.
The wedding cake has been ordered and will be delivered to the venue.
The DJ, wedding singer, etc has been finalized and everyone is set with an agenda. (remind the bride to include these folks when ordering food)
The photographer is paid and knows what shots the bride wants for the day.
The food is ordered and the guests are accounted for.
The flowers have been ordered and someone is incharge of picking them up or dropping them off.
The guys know when and where to pick up the tuxes; make sure that EVERYONE tries on the tuxes at pick up! NO EXCEPTIONS!
The girls have the dresses and alterations are taken care of.
Gifts for the wedding party are bought to give out at the rehersal dinner.
The rehersal time is set at the venue. Sending an agenda to everyone in the wedding party, including all of the parents and grandparents will keep her stress level down. The agenda should say when, where, and what time the rehersal is and has important times all the way through the big day. (trust me on this one!)
The rehersal dinner is planned and everyone knows where they are going.
All of the wedding accessories are bought; ring pillow, flower girl materials, champagne glasses, cake cutting materials, and guest book.

The Bachelorette Party

By the time the bachelorette party roles around, the bride has a good idea of what she wants to do on the final night of her freedom. And for memories sake, try to go along with whatever it is she has in mind. If you find yourself in a rough financial position, and you haven't spoken up yet, you better speak up now! Let the bride know that you won't be able to participate, or that you're not going to be able to join in the activitites the entire night. If the bride wants to go to dinner and then on a bar crawl, but all you can afford is the appetizer and a glass of water, then say something! A large number of friendships go down in a firey crash because one of you are dishonest about money. You're smiling and nodding yes on the outside, but you're frustrated and seething on the inside. Not all people are mind readers, and even the best friends don't know what you're thinking. Chances are that you can come up with a good compromise that will satisfy everyone, if not, it's okay. The world isn't going to end because of a stupid bachelorette party. (Now is a good time to tell you that once the wedding is over, it will take the bride about a year to think back to how she overreacted, and treated her family and friends, it'll take the bitch two years to actually apologize!)

The MOH Expenses

When you take on MOH duty, be prepared to spend some money...be prepared to spend a lot of money! By the time you buy your dress, shoes, accessories, shopping with the bride, bridal shows, bridal showers, wedding gifts, cakes, etc., etc., you will have spent a small fortune. There's really no great advice here. All you can do is hope like hell that the bride doesn't want you to buy yourself a $300 dress that you will wear only one time! And be careful with that dress, you may want to re-sell it! I'm still shopping around for a place to sell my dresses; if I ever find anything other than craigslist, I'll post the link!
The expenses involved with being an MOH are the exact reason why you and the bride should be close friends. I'm not convinced that an unstable friendship, or someone that's not a close friend, can sincerely ask you to be the MOH and expect you to spend all that money and time on them, but then, some of our friends are incredibly insensitive aren't they?
This is a touchy subject, so I'm gonna take it easy. What I will say, is that in this economy, the bride should be offering alternative solutions, rather than tell you that she wants it her way, or no way. Should you tell the bride that you'll quit if she isn't satisfied with your efforts? Absolutely! Because a good friend would never expect you to drain your bank account to make them happy. A good friend would make sure that her other friends and family will help you with whatever you need, so that you're not sitting in the poor house while Mrs. Fabulous is on her honeymoon. I don't want to be the "Debbie downer" here, but being in someones wedding, regardless of the role, can take it's toll on your friendship.
Now, when you're not a close friend of the bride, and she asks you to be her MOH based on the fact that you're a responsible person, or that she thinks that you can afford it, don't feel badly for feeling offended or angry. Someone should definately NOT ask you to be the MOH if she's not sincerely a good and honest friend. It's a disaster waiting to happen! And it's going to happen to YOU my dear, if you let it. Then again...accept it, pawn off as much responsibilty as you can, and when the wedding day roles around, have one too many drinks and enjoy! She knew better than to ask you in the first place! Oh I am just kidding! I don't have a vindictive bone in my body! Just think carefully ladies, and NO, you don't have to say yes; you'll probably feel worse for not accepting her offer than you would to just be in the damn wedding anyway, but there's no reason to say yes if you don't mean it! I'll leave you with one piece of advice....if you're closer to this girl than your own sister, then be in the wedding...however, if you can't name 10 facts about her that don't involve alcohol or her husband-to-be, then you have no obligation to be her MOH and shame on her for asking!

Bride's Maids Nitty Gritty

There's no real kind way to put this...you're going to run into the bride's maid that honestly believes that she was supposed to be the MOH, and had you not been standing in the way of it, she would have been the "Maid of Honor". This is the bride's maid that likes to play "who's the better friend" game. She'll have bigger and better stories about the fun times that she and the bride have had. She'll also challenge you to trivia about the bride's life and times. Don't worry about being able to recognize this individual coming, you'll recognize her intentions instantly. As did I...
One week prior to Carrie's engagement party, I recieved a call from one of the other bride's maids. I cursed to myself as she said hello and inquired about the engagement party. This individual has never been someone that I've been happy to see. Besides the fact that her reputation as a trouble maker has reached its way into every corner of town, she's an insincere person. And high on my list of reasons that I don't associate with different people, insincerity is one of them. By the time that I hung up with SS (shit stirer) she informed me that she would be bringing appetizers that the bride and groom loved and "asked her to make all the time", she would be coming very early to make sure that everything was "just right", AND "she's so glad that I had the time to be Carrie's MOH, because she was simply too busy!" Translation "I should have been the MOH, and Carrie only picked you because you have no life." The truth: when Carrie's ever needed me or vice versa, we've been there for each other. We've never had to "play up" who we are as people to look glamorous for the other. Carrie and I accept each other as the woman that we are, and aspire to be. I didn't attempt to justify my friendship with Carrie, as I knew that she was not capable of understanding anything that I had to say. She ended up self destructing her way out of the wedding the day after she didn't show up to the engagement party anyway. Which made me very sad for Carrie. I never intended to stack my friendship with Carrie against hers, to see who stacked it higher. I intended to let her do her thing and hope like hell that everything would be ok, because at the end of the day, my only concern was that Carrie had beautiful memories. My best advice to deal with someone like this, is to let them make an ass out of themselves, people like that dig holes and fall into them all the time.

In the meantime...Save the date!

As the wedding plans are being made, don't forget that the bride is trying to incorporate her personality and the personality of the groom into her wedding. When she comes to you and says that no one else agrees with her about this, that, or the other thing; remind her that the most memorable weddings are the ones where everyone sees the bride and groom at their happiest. If releasing doves at the end of her ceremony is more important to her than a really passionate kiss with her new husband, than so be it! As MOH, we have to choose our battles!
Carrie sent her guests Save the Date magnets about two months before the invitations went out. Carrie's wedding was on a holiday and the Save the dates were totally appropriate. Save the dates are always a good idea, especially for guests that will travel, but Save the Dates aren't necessary. I opted for Save the Dates for my wedding party and our families only. These magnets are a little pricey, and for a wedding on a budget, this is something that can be cut out!

Bridal Showers

I've been to my fair share of bridal showers. I always enjoy attending a bridal shower of a good friend. BUT...and you knew that there was one coming! But, I find it very frustrating and especially insulting, to be invited to a bridal shower for someone that hasn't or isn't going to invite me to the wedding. Where do those brides get off? Seriously? There is one exception, and that is if your boss or coworker throws you a bridal shower. Work showers fall under completely different rules. Reason being; it would be more of an insult at work to not be invited to a department function, which is how anything that involves cake is viewed. Do I claim to be an "wedding know it all"? No, I do not. I am however, in my 30's and any woman in her 30's has earned the right to tell strangers, on a blog, what gets their panties in a wad.

I opted for a chocolate fountain with goodies, cake, and punch for Carrie's bridal shower. Of which, I bought the cake, the chocolate (I owned the chocolate fountain) and the decorations. I sent the pre-printed bridal shower invitations (best kept secret EVER!!! vistaprint.com) to the bridesmaids, as well as the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom two months before the actual shower, along with a list of items to bring. I delegated every detail of the shower and asked that everyone show up 45 minutes early for set up. Not only was everyone well aware of what was going on, they appreciated that I wasn't a pain in the ass. There's nothing truly worse about a wedding than a pain in the ass MOH. So as you're planning things with the bride, remember to be proactive in her requests, but leave the bitchy attitude to the bride. People expect the bride to get stressed out; no one will be forgiving of your BS.

Bridal Shows...

Bridal shows are NOT for wussies ladies!!! These things are over-run by bridezillas, clueless grooms, edgy mother-of-the brides, nervous mother-of-the grooms, bridesmaids, and any other opinionated person that the bride can think to tote along! The real reason that these events are even held, is to give the bride and groom ideas and direction to go with their wedding. Bridal shows are a wonderful place to see color schemes, decorated cakes, see sample photography, pick up ideas for the honeymoon, where to register for your wedding gifts, collect brochures about local bridal shops, and most of all, EAT! Good God! I've never been so sick and bloated in my entire life. If you've got plans to attend a bridal show, do yourself a favor and do not eat breakfast or lunch. Especially if you've got a dress fitting within the next few days! Do yourself a favor my faithful MOHs, DO agree to go to at least one bridal show with the bride. Bridal shows are usually about $15 and worth it to the bride to give her mind a kick start for her wedding. Some of the most creative people in your area will be there. My only other advice that I have is to wear tennis shoes! You'll walk five miles of convention floor, up and down aisles before the day is done! Wear a big smile girls, this is for your best friend...and one day when you get married, you can drag her around to do the same shit! (There are no rules about the duties of an MOH, but attending at least one bridal show with the bride is required if she asks you to, more than one means that you're a terrific friend, and attending more than two bridal shows with her means that you need to get your head out of her ass, as this is NOT your wedding!)

The Engagement Party

Most people choose to skip out on the engagement party, but I felt like Carrie should have one. My husband and I had one to kind of "kick off" the wedding year ahead of us, and we were so glad that we did! An engagement party is normally thrown by the bride or groom's parents, but in this day and age, anything flies! Besides that, I didn't want to call their parents and look like an ass...so I asked that everyone in the wedding party bring an appetizer and left it at that. On the invitations, we asked that everyone bring their favorite wine or spirit to enjoy a toast with Carrie and Jayson. This was so easy and I recommend that anytime you can ask people to bring these things, you do! So it's a nice way of saying BYOB! There was no way that I could afford to buy all of the alcohol.
Everyone had a wonderful time. The parents gave toasts. The the best man and I gave toasts. The bride and groom got a little misty eyed. It was a great nite! At well after midnight, I was walking out the door with the happy bride behind me thanking me for a wonderful engagement party!

First things first!!!

Ten months prior to her wedding, Carrie and I had a lot to do and to think about. Thankfully Carrie already knew where she wanted to have her wedding and pretty much what the ambiance was going to be. Every wedding needs an ambiance girls! Once you decide if your wedding's going to be traditional, modern, eclectic, country, etc, then any decision can be made! So Carrie picked her colors: black, white, & hot pink! She's such a hot pink kind of girl. Some girls are pale pink, some are pink pink, and some are hot pink; Carrie's always been hot pink! She decided that she liked Gerber Daises for a July 4, 2009 wedding. Very fitting! Everything after choosing her colors was cake! Oh God! Cake! What about a cake? Choosing a cake can take hours and hours of searching online, and finding just the right one to fit with your wedding decor was nearly impossible to afford! Eventually, Carrie settled on oversized cupcakes that were simply delicious in red velvet with strawberry icing, and chocolate with butterscotch icing. (Of course I tried them both...I got the damn dress to fit, who cared if I was popping out of it by the end of the night!)